It was our fourth online gathering and with each week I could tell we were adjusting more and grieving the inability to gather in person more. Our backgrounds were becoming increasingly familiar- mint painted walls in one screen, throw pillows with hues of blue in another, the ceiling fan in yet another, the soft lavender wall in another, sun shine slightly stymied behind thick blinds in another, and then my familiar deep olive green and fire place and lit candle. We’d spent much of our time discussing identity, what they believe about themselves, and what they struggle to believe about themselves. It was clear the list of what they believed about who they are was much shorter than what they refuted at worse, struggled to believe, at best. And so, as our time together was winding down, I asked them to use the last few minutes to reflect on why they believed counseling would work for them.
No one hesitated to share why they believed counseling would work for them. All of them shared that by the time they made the call or sent the email they had reached a very low point, for few it was a familiar low point with just a little more hopelessness than the time prior. As I listened, each in their own way expressed knowing in that moment there was more to life, that they were created for and capable of more than the painful circumstances they found themselves in. That belief alone was enough to nudge them towards counseling. Nudge them towards a stranger, towards inviting one more person in their life, one more appointment to add to full schedules, one more fee to pay from already taxed bank accounts and for some one more conversation to have with not so supportive partners, family members, and friends. And yet, here they were. No promises, no proof, just belief.
I don’t always see God’s grit and grace in my life. It feels weird to right that. To lead with that. But it’s true. I don’t always see it. There are seasons where I am just not sure what He is up to at all and I am waiting with hand on hip for Him to let me know in very clear ways what He is doing, what I am supposed to be doing, and how good and glorious it’s all going to be. And yet, I have found that in these same seasons of waiting and wondering what in the world is going on, I believe it is possible, true even, that His grit and grace is at work. That with my hand on hip, waiting for the good and glorious amid the bad and insidious, wow that was dramatic, how about bad and just lots of what I don’t want, still His grit and grace for my life is there.
It is possible in the small continuous strides of what I may quickly call mundane, routine, bare necessity- there is grit. It is possible in the moments where I find my internal dialog full of not so holy words, my prayers filled with awkward pauses, whines about what’s not fair, a few bargains or deals I think I can manage to speed up to the good stuff, on occasion not so holy words- yet by the time there is external dialog or actions there are appropriate words, sometime a few kind ones, still the random awkward pause- there is grace that has been at work.
We don’t see in full. We want to. Okay, I will speak for myself, I want to. I want to see me completely and I want to see God’s grit and grace for my life fully and always. I want to see those parts of myself that I struggle to accept to no longer be parts of myself I don’t struggle with. I want to see that each day I get up, especially amid this pandemic, as grit in and of itself, and for that to just be a reminder that if I can get up then I can do the next thing and the next thing and the next thing and that those strides are God’s strokes of purpose and His good plan on my life. I want to see that the no, the cancellation, the holding the hurt of a friend’s cancer diagnosis, the waiting to go to the doctor for testing because the pain and fatigue lessens but never goes away these days, the sunlight from the windows near my kitchen table and not the streets I walk going from coffee shop to stationary store to shoe store are all the details of His grace just as much as my ability to work from home, to have dear friends who run market errands and bring my flowers, family who keep up the humor, and a partner who lives a few states away but loves on my like he’s right next to me.
My inability, our inability to see in full does not negate God’s fullness. It does not negate His very full love, faithfulness, forgiveness, mercy, grit, or grace. It does not negate His plan to fashion us into what He has purposed us to be. Those women knew despite what they could perceive in part that life had to be better than what they were experiencing. I have the pleasure each week of reminding them that this is in fact true. This week I have the pleasure of reminding you. You are capable of becoming fully who you have been purposed to be. Seasons may, nah, will, offer partial glimpses of this, but keep believing in the fullness. Even better, in the partial, in the bits and pieces, God is still full of grit and grace and is filling us with grit and grace daily. He’s good like that. He ALWAYS is full, sees in full, and is ready to fill us from His fullness.
With Love,
Grit + Grace