I was moody. I could feel it. I wasn’t exactly sure as to why. I was easily irritated and I was clinging with nails dug in to my “Make space for grace” mantra. While I managed to keep my moodiness to myself, I knew it was a matter of one more request or one more “My bad, I’m sorry” and I was going to have an academy award nominee worthy explosion.
As I walked back across the South Street Bridge, trying to let the sense of pride set in for overriding not feeling like going on this 4 mile walk when my alarm sounded, I kept asking myself what specifically had me very left of center. I replayed previous days in my mind to search for any dots that needed connecting. As acutely aware as I was of my own angst and sense of vulnerability due to the recent string of racist spurred murders of unarmed Black people by police and former police men, but all White men, I was pulling and using every tool I had in my I am a clinician and I see a therapist toolkit.
I was praying. I was decreasing my social media intake. I was walking more and further than I had…ever. I was drinking my water. I was talking to a few trusted friends. I was reading my Bible. I was journaling. I was tea sipping like I was being paid to do so. I scaled back on my client load in order to take care of myself. I was acknowledging feelings, being present with them, not resenting them or trying to rush them along. I was journaling. I was reading, I was reflecting.
Woo. Just writing that felt like a lot.
So perhaps you can see why I was baffled that I still found myself indescribably moody. A few more steps, passing the LOVE statue that nestled away on the campus of the University of Pennsylvania, I announced to myself and the squirrels “I think I’m overwhelmed.”
Processing trauma (my own personal trauma and then the collective trauma as a physically disabled Black woman amid the aforementioned murders as well as living in a city with days of violent riots, looting, and curfews in response to those murders, plus a global pandemic for which there remains no cure or vaccine) , being a professional, being an entrepreneur, being present for clients whom I care deeply about, present for my guy, friends, and family I love fiercely, recovering, and self caring is A LOT. Like A LOT. Like A LOT. I will stop with the A Lots, because, you get my drift. Despite the stress and overwhelm of almost 12 weeks of quarantine and social distancing due to the pandemic, it took until the early hours of yesterday morning, about a week after the third story of the murder of an unarmed African American came to light, to say “I think I’m overwhelmed.” Not this is overwhelming, but me, all 5 feet 4 inches a little over 170 pounds, wild blonde and brown curls, and a serious love for that which sparkles, devout tea drinking, huge fan of fresh flowers, hopeless romantic on the low (don’t mind my chill), me. I was overwhelmed. And quite a few other things too if I was honest. Grieved, angry, annoyed, afraid, anxious, insecure, exhausted (physically, mentally, emotionally, even spiritually). I was tired of striving and struggling to self-preserve and find some peace and joy in the present because usually something would remind me of just how unstable my present is from moment to moment as well as my future in part because of how I show up in the world as an African American.
Ahmaud Arbery, George Floyd, Breonna Taylor and the countless others had no intention of being murdered. Let alone by White police men (or retired police men). They showed up in the world as African Americans, jogging, sleeping, making grocery store purchases and were murdered. Stop trying to rationalize it. Even George Floyd and the counterfeit twenty dollar bill- that could have been any of us, unknowingly just using what we have to make a purchase.
“I am overwhelmed,” I repeated to myself. Not in that affirmation type of way but that welcome to your present reality type of way. Let’s be serious, it’s hard to become less overwhelmed if we’re in denial. It’s hard to create change period if we are not dealing with our reality no matter how much we don’t like it or want to believe it.
I had new knowledge about myself and was already in a better position to address it, if I chose. Knowledge is power, power to act in ways that help us to live well. Knowing I was overwhelmed (not the circumstances, real live me) helped me to then delve into what I need to decrease being overwhelmed. I spent time thinking about ways I’ve dealt positively with a sense of overwhelm in the past and which were going to be suitable options currently. It wasn’t long before I was back out the door grabbing a jasmine green tea from my favorite local coffee shop to sit at my kitchen table near the window to write and draw my way through plausible coping methods to begin alleviating my being overwhelmed.
Now, if you’re looking for me to say that I am writing this post overwhelm free then keep looking, cause I’m not. I am however significantly less overwhelmed than before I was willing to pause and tend to me and own the reality of my being overwhelmed. Feeling less guilty about taking more time to text folks back, decreasing time on all of my electronic devices, ramping up my cute corny movie watching, not having my video on for virtual calls, asking clients to switch to a phone session and not a video session, have been a few ways I’ve been reducing my sense of overwhelm. Being honest about what I need from my guy, my family, and friends has also been really helpful.
This week, especially as I’ve taken some tie off, I’m just getting reacquainted with me and my reality- the messy and the beautiful parts. I’m drawing closer to “I” instead of dispensing lots of “it’s.” I’m tuning into what I need, want, am capable of being and doing. I’m sifting through what is me, what was me, both what is temporarily me and what is core to who I am. I’m making decisions that are rooted in I and not it, that, they, him, her, etc.
This week I’m inviting you to do the same. I’m inviting you this week to put “I before It. “Instead of it was a good day, I had a good day. Instead of it was a hard conversation, I had a hard conversation. Instead of it’s been stressful these days, I’ve been stressed. Instead of it was celebratory event, I celebrated at the event. Instead of it doesn’t make sense, I am struggling to really understand this. Instead of this is sad, I am sad. Instead of it’s scary, I am scared. Because here’s the thing, when you say I, you will in that moment check in with yourself about your reality and how you’re living. If the event was celebratory but you didn’t celebrate, why not? If the ordeal was stressful but you weren’t stressed (sweet!) what kept you at ease? If the day was good but you don’t feel good , what’s going on with you and what may need some adjusting? I’m inviting you to see you, own you, and check in with – all of you. “It” can wait this week, I (you) however, cannot. Remember, I before It especially when life is throwing around a lot of _____________.
With Love,
Grit + Grace