All her joy, her hope, or vulnerability, her grit, and her grace, was exactly what I needed. Deep inhale, even deeper exhale, I smiled at the evening that was as I waited for the bus home. It had been a while since we went for drinks, and our catch up with each other’s lives was more than grey and yellow text bubbles, various emojis, and plenty of text shorthand. I leaned over slightly, knowing I’d left the store I stopped in post meet up, in enough time to make my bus. To my surprise, the bus I wanted, or thought I wanted, was early. “Good,” I thought. I’m tired. It’s been a taxing week and I still have work to complete before my head touches my pillow, and I demand my eyes only see my eyelids.
There were three buses pulling up to the corner where I stood full of tacos, sangria, guacamole, and goodness. The first would take me a block from my home, the second would take me anywhere but home, the third, to my surprise would also leave me a block away from home. Despite mt tiredness and my ambition, I did not board the first bus. It was crowded. I happily let the others who’d been waiting longer than I board the bus and try to get one of the few seats left amid already standing passengers. As they boarded none of them looked back far enough to see that the third bus was the same as the bus they were getting ready to board and was mighty empty (I was 1 of 2 passengers when I boarded). I won’t pretend to know how hurried they were or late, but well, let’s just say by the time I got off the bus at home, that first bus was only 1 block ahead of the bus I was on.
Grace asks us to trust the grit it’s given us to hold out just a little bit. To be willing to look past what is conveniently pulling up to the curb of our lives and see that what we really want is truly within our reach, totally on its way.
It’s asking us to revisit our vision and stay committed to what it is we believe is for us, what we truly desire, what we see for our lives, and what grace sees for our lives. It’s asking us to stay aware of what we need, but not to let what we need drive us into unnecessary situations. Seriously, being on a crowded seatless bus for about 30 city blocks that doesn’t include the drive around the hospitals, was so unnecessary. Especially since, a stoplight later, a bus that could help me to my same destination that had plenty of room for me was in sight. God in his wisdom and grace may allow for us to be in some tight situations, but in His love and kindness will also offer some comfortable ones where there’s plenty of room for us. No sucking in guts, being mindful of butts, rejecting every call that comes through on your phone because it’s noisy, or taking shallow breaths because between someone’s leftovers and someone’s body the smells are a bit overwhelming. No becoming small to get to your destination. No stuffing, holding, silencing. No becoming small to get to your destiny.
I called my colleague yesterday and shared that I needed to tap out. I had reached that point where I was barely keeping it together. I called right after my therapist canceled on me, and the way I managed my life from last Wednesday on was by telling myself “You just need to make it to counseling on Tuesday.” I sent up prayers that I’d actually order tea at the coffee shop that I was already headed to work from before therapy, and not speak tear. I kept the conversation with my colleague short because I was liable to go from my articulate English speaking self to the liquid vocabulary of a three year old. I was done. I was resetting expectations left and right, managing disappoints, deception, and prepping for a huge business opportunity this week, and looking for an apartment, and trying to be a half decent sister, daughter, friend, and look a little bit cute. I do not subscribe to feel bad, look bad. I was managing celebratory events amid the pain of deceit and that moment when you think you were at a certain point in a relationship and you are sharply reminded that you aren’t. I was managing big vision, goals, and dreams, and being in spaces where I had to fight from feeling and making myself small. It. Was. Exhausting. I needed something to give. I let Jesus know too. There was no fluffy, dear Lord, no “Hey God it’s me” (he knows already). It was straight up, Lord you need to do something, now cause I am done, like super done. I did manage a thank you.
I needed a bus that had plenty of space for me, with just a few folks who were meant to be part of my journey, to get me to my destination. I needed the reminder that grace is always looking out and always moving on my behalf, acutely aware of every need, and will never not meet those needs. Grace knew I needed to remember that I just needed to hold out a little bit longer because all that it has for me to get me where I’m supposed to be is coming.
My hope for you this week is that you too are reminded grace is sending all that you need right to you. It’s on its way. Hold out, just a little while longer. Don’t settle. Let the eager beavers board. Grace has made so much room for you, all you have to do is wait. And when those doors open, board, take the seat of your choosing, and get to where grace has purposed to take you.
Oh and, I think I found a new home! I’ll keep you posted! xxoo
With Love,
Grit + Grace